It’s been a week since the scan and the declaration that there is no evidence of disease in my body. The dust is starting to settle and it’s starting to sink in that my body has had a complete response to the CAR T cell therapy.
But now that treatment is finished, what's next? I have three goals. My hope is that three months from now, I’ll be closer to achieving them. I recognize that I may need more time or perhaps less, but three months is the benchmark I’m starting with.
Goal 1: At the moment, although I’m facing forward, I’m continually glancing over my shoulder. There is a part of me that finds this hard to believe. Cancer free? Really? I’ve been through two previous cancer treatments, both of which failed. I suppose it’s only natural that I’m skeptical. Through all of this, people have commented that I’m incredibly positive and that I have a great attitude. The reality is it doesn’t always feel that way. My mental health has taken a beating. Some days I’ve been a downright mess. Even now, the fear can be overwhelming. I want to change my way of thinking. My hope is that I’ll get to a space where I don’t feel scared and my days are not defined by cancer.
Goal 2: At the moment, I need somewhere between ten and 12 hours of sleep a day. In my ideal world, I’d be sleeping about eight. Once I’m up, I have to organize my day in bursts of energy. I alternate between tasks that require physical exertion with ones that don’t. The list of things I try to accomplish in a day seems never-ending, and I’ve learned to be content if I only get some of my daily tasks done. Things that I don’t finish move to the next day or the day after that. My hope is that the further away from treatment I am, the more capable I will become.
Goal 3: The stem cell transplant and the CAR T cell therapy wiped out my immune system. Literally, three months ago my immune system was a blank slate and I was starting at zero. In essence, I have the immune system of a brand-new baby. In about 3 months’ time, I’ll be eligible for my baby vaccinations. These are the same vaccines given to every six-month-old in Canada. These vaccines combined with a slow exposure to germs and viruses will help rebuild my immune system. My hope is that my immune system will be as strong as it once was and I’ll be able to return to living my normal life.
So that’s what’s ahead of me. Rebuilding myself. By focusing on one day at a time I will rebuild myself to what I once was. My hope is that I will be a better version of what I once was. My hope is to be a strong, healthy, and cancer-free version.
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