Telling our Kids that Their Mom has Cancer?

One of the questions I am most often asked is how did my children take the news that I had cancer?

The week before I started chemotherapy, my husband and I decided it was time to tell our kids I had lymphoma. We have two boys; then ages 9 and 13.

We sat down with them at the kitchen table around 4pm. We chose this time as it would be early enough in the day so that they could process the information and then ask any additional questions they had before going to bed.

I began by talking about the facts they already knew. They knew I had a sore leg. They knew I’d been to the hospital for it and that I’d had to take time off work because I was unable to stand and teach all day. They knew there was something wrong. So I started by telling them the information they already knew.

I then went on to explain the doctors had figured out what was wrong with my leg and that they knew how to fix it. At this point, I named the disease I had as Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I told them I would need to go for treatment which was called chemotherapy. I explained that I would need to go to the hospital for treatment. This set off a flurry of logistical questions from the 9-year-old about why do you need to go to a hospital for medicine and how does the treatment get in the body. He wanted to know about the needles, the size of the bags holding the chemotherapy drugs, and what I would do while I was there for a few hours. The last one was easy to answer; Netflix.

I went on to explain about the side-effects I might have and the expectations we had for when I came home from the hospital. My treatments were always scheduled on Monday mornings, and I expected I would sleep in the afternoon and perhaps into the evening. At the time, we had no idea I would master the art of the 20 hour nap. LOL! We let them know that if the bedroom door was closed it meant I was sleeping and they were not to wake me.

We had been told that the anti-nausea medication was very good and I was unlikely to be sick, but we wanted to prepare the boys in case it happened. Upon hearing that the medication could make me ill, my 9-year-old responded with another flurry of enquiries about why medication would do that and that the medical system needed to invent a better cure.

We explained that the medication would be given over the course of 6 to 9 months and that I would be off work for that time. Toward the end of the conversation, we told the boys that the doctors had a second name for the disease and that it was cancer. We felt it was important that they hear from us that I had cancer instead of from someone else.

At bedtime, I tucked each of my boys separately into their beds and asked if they had any more questions. The 9-year-old was fascinated by the medical system and had further questions about the treatment.

The 13-year-old had 2 further questions. He wanted to know if we would need to move. He was concerned that if I could not work we might not be able to pay the mortgage and would need to move to a less expensive house. I gave him a brief lesson on short-term and long-term disability payments provided by medical coverage, after which he expressed how wonderful the Canadian health care system is.

His final question pulled at my heartstrings. He said, “Momma, I just need to know if in the end you are going to be okay. If at the end you’re going to be okay, then I can be happy while we go through this.” I let him know I’d be fine. I did not talk about the statistics or the prognosis, all of which are excellent for the disease I have. I simply gave him a hug and told him that in the end, I would be fine. He hugged me back and replied, “Then I can be happy.”

I had not seen this resource prior to telling my kids about my cancer, but I wish I had. I think it's brilliant as it's filled with practical suggestions and examples of what to say.

Little Otter: How to Talk to Kids About Cancer