Click, click. Click, click.
It’s been two weeks since we got the all clear and this week has been harder than I imagined. It’s not physically harder, but the mental and emotional toll has taken me by surprise. All week I’ve been flipping the switch but it’s almost like there is a short circuit. I deliberately flip it to “I’m doing fine”, yet my brain flips it back. At some moments I’m feeling okay, and at other times I feel like I’m melting into a blob on the floor.
Why this week you ask? Well, there are two reasons.
Firstly, it’s the start of school and I am an educator. My medical team and I made the decision that the time was not right for me to return to work. My immune system is too fragile and the risk of catching a virus from a student is too great. I feel a sense of sadness knowing that I won’t be back in a classroom again this fall. I miss teaching and I miss my students. I miss feeling valued.
Secondly, it’s the start of school and I am a mom. My boys, who have kept me on my toes all summer, are back to school. So, from the hours of nine o’clock to three o’clock, my routine has changed and I am left to my own devices. Each day I miss my kids when they are away from home. I miss feeling valuable.
What’s my plan for dealing with this? I’ve spoken to a number of friends who have given me great advice.
Step 1: View the things I’m doing as valuable. Often people tie their sense of self-worth to their job or their role. (Hmmm - like me? lol) At this time, I am not medically fit to return to work. And my duties as a mom are only needed at either end of the school day. My day is filled with simple things like eating, walking, and reading. But each of the small things I do to support my recovery has value. I need to recognize that value.
Step 2: Keep myself busy. This is easier said than done. I’ve taken the initiative to start scheduling my day and keep it filled with tasks. Every hour, I have a task that I do. Sometimes it’s going for a walk, meeting a friend, cleaning the house, or knocking something off of the to-do list. Other times it’s doing something I love. Being busy keeps my mind focused and then it’s less likely to wander.
Step 3: Try to refocus myself if I start to worry about a cancer relapse. Statistically, a relapse is a possibility for people like me. (But it’s not going to happen to me. I believe in asking the universe for what you want.) However, worrying about it will not change whether it happens or not. Worrying about it will only ruin today.
Step 4: Make my bed each morning. I’ve also made it a point to get dressed and to get out of the house each day. All of these pieces help ensure I do not crawl back into bed after my kids leave for school. If I need a nap I’ll take one but if I don’t, then I won’t be sitting on the bed or couch surfing the web. It’s too dangerous and too slippery a slope; it’s too easy to go from surfing to having a siesta.
Step 5: Show more compassion and empathy toward myself. It takes approximately 21 days to form a new habit. Due to the change in my routine, I am in the process of forming new habits. Today is only day 3 of 21. I need to cut myself some slack and not expect everything to be okay this early on in developing a new routine. I also need to be more forgiving with myself if I do not meet my expectations or if a day does not go according to plan.
My hope is that by following the advice from my friends I’ll be able to keep the switch in “I’m doing fine” mode for longer and longer periods of time next week and beyond. After all, today (and tomorrow and the day after that) is the first day of the rest of my life.
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